Dear Christian brothers…

I had different titles in my head for this piece, like, “Reasons why the good girls like the bad guys” but because that is not necessarily the case and I just may go off on a tangent, I chose this broad title.

For the longest time, I have been wanting to write this open letter but I had so many “I don’t want to break table(s)” or ” I hope nobody feels attacked” moments, yet everytime I see, experience or hear some things I am just like maybe we need to put word out there on behalf of my sisters. Maybe these guys genuinely do not just know how to come correct.

What I am addressing here is what you may have not heard a lot in your church and it’s in addition to you knowing God’s direction for you which I believe your church might have done justice to. So I am just here for the simple (? I hope), relatable and practical steps.

All of the things I am going to write is 1) from a place of love 2) you do not have to take it hook, line and sinker. Again this is based on my perspective as a female.

So here goes;

Dear Christian Brother,

1. Master the art of conversation: Having a good conversation is a skill! And if you see that you are not great at it, actually go gain knowledge on what to do. A conversation is not an interview for a job position. Stop talking to the lady you are trying to ask out like you are interviewing her for the role of a wife. At some point, it moves from “He seems to know what he wants” to “is this how we will be serious everyday in this relationship” or “does he even like me? or “he’s just looking for who to wife as a trophy/checklist”

Balance it.

I mean ask your key questions to determine compatibility but ask it in a conversational style. Bring up scenarios not just out of the blues but maybe when she mentions something. Bonus; If you are conversing and she is not genuinely laughing, you are losing points big time. A good conversation includes;

• Good listening ear – this can even help you pick cues as to the next thing to discuss.
• Humour unforced – Don’t force it if it’s not coming naturally, don’t crack out-of-point jokes and then be the only one laughing. I do know that some of us ladies are a bit more on the serious side (lol myself included) so don’t try too hard to impress.
• Giving room for the other person to talk, not only talking about yourself. Nah, not cool.
• Knowing when to end a conversation. Is it starting to drag? Is the person watching the clock? Have they voiced that they want to go (not in a cute way) but actual I want to go?, then end the conversation. Key is to end the conversation on a high note especially if you are just starting out talking to the person.

2. Learn how to accept NO gracefully: Can I be honest with you, more often than not the NO is not about you or your looks or something you need to change. The chic just does not like you. So don’t go off saying negative things to her or about her. Also there seems to be an unspoken rule about persistence till the lady changes her mind (I have an unpopular opinion about this by the way) but I think persistence isn’t always helpful in this case.

You also have to learn to look out for nonverbal cues of NO. For instance, 11 out of the 12 times you have spoken in the last 12 months, you are the initiator, come let me tell you for free most likely she does not want.

My point is when you are asking a girl out, there is a likelihood she will say NO, so as much as you want the YES, brace yourself for when she says NO and handle it with poise. Don’t go on saying things like “you are not the only one” etc to her.

Assess and reassess the vibe and act accordingly: If you see that you are not welcome, you go back to your drawing board or withdraw.

3. Heal or at least be on the path to healing from past relationship(s): Please dear Christian brothers, when you talk about your past relationships we want to hear what you too could have done better. We want to hear in your voice that you are actually doing better and able to hold your emotions together. Don’t go looking for a sister who can heal you and take away your pain. Be whole. If you have not gotten over your ex then take time to be alone and work through that. You don’t need to be looking for a relationship.

4. Let the friendship grow organically: Friendship is not forced. How many people in your adult life did you say let’s be friends to? Don’t expect that telling her you like her automatically means she will like you or give you access to her. Don’t expect that within one month of talking to her that she will speak with you everyday and tell you her life secrets. Don’t expect she will tell you about big decisions just because you said you care about her, the second day you spoke to her. Another thing here with friendships is that you have to have a degree of vulnerability to even get someone to be vulnerable with you.

5. Be Self-Aware: Asides wanting to be married, what else do you want in life? What else do you like doing other than painting relationship based scenarios? What interests you outside of the babe? If you need to be refreshed asides spending time with her what would you do? Are you even comfortable being by yourself? Do you know what makes you happy or are you putting the onus on her?

6. Put in effort: Dress well, smell nice, look fly, comb your hair. Smell Nice (had to say it again because there is something about a guy wearing a good cologne, you just have to do a double take lol. And also give a compliment to the girl, nothing cheesy just be kind.

Having stated all these, there’s no guarantee she will say yes and that is okay too, go back to number 2, accept it gracefully and keep it moving.

Finally,

This article by my beloved DDK expounds on this topic too https://memoirsbymide.wordpress.com/2016/01/08/christian-brothers-the-art-of-loving-us-by-adebola-deji-kurunmi/

Now Dear Christian Brothers, we know you love Jesus, add some game to it lol

Feel free to share and tell me your thoughts in the comments too.

Yours in love,

Temiloluwa